Poll #1426532 Semi-Finals! Pick your top *three* in each group.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Semi-Finals, Group 3
The Mullet Years
6 (35.3%)
Tularemia Thru the Tulips 0 (0.0%)
Unfair Attacks 1 (5.9%)
Sangria Glass Popsicle Jumbo Teatowel 2 (11.8%)
Foof-A-Thon 3 (17.6%)
Leaning Against Nothing 12 (70.6%)
They Cancelled the Nun Pageant 5 (29.4%)
Reichstag Fire Drill 5 (29.4%)
Indecent Mustache 5 (29.4%)
Kitsch for the Needy 6 (35.3%)
Send Men to Summon Worms 7 (41.2%)
Semi-Finals, Group 4
Anarchism Doesn't Scale Well 6 (35.3%)
Presidential Double Dare 1 (5.9%)
Carbon Neutral Baby Murder Factory 3 (17.6%)
Songs from the "Lost and Found" Box 7 (41.2%)
Mental Paper Cut 5 (29.4%)
Restless Everything Syndrome 12 (70.6%)
Purple Shiny Grrrr! 2 (11.8%)
Man, Utopia Sucks 4 (23.5%)
Mushroom Cloud of Subtle 4 (23.5%)
What I Already Knew About Corn 4 (23.5%)
General Impression of the Zeitgeist 3 (17.6%)
(Higgs Boursin joke brazenly stolen from
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mule242)A man wanted that one thing he wanted because there wasn't room in his head for anything else.
I responded thusly:
Speaking as a man, I'd like to deny this, but... I can't. I mean, you should see me in the presence of french fries or a grilled cheese sandwich. And if you've got some good tomato soup on the side?
I can turn down all but the most determined offers of money, sexual advances, or adventure. Because offers of money often turn out to be bullshit, sexual advances only lead to more problems, and adventure generally turns out to be a lot of sitting around in the dirt and being bored; whereas a nicely done grilled cheese sandwich is going to be delicious right now and only right now.
In the short run, some people think I'm doing myself a disservice, but in the medium, long, evolutionary, geologic, galactic, and cosmological runs, it's all the fucking same. Gimme that tasty bread and cheese.
(Oh, okay. Realistically, no, I'm not going to turn down sex as opposed to food. But, c'mon, it was kinda funny.)
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.
When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.
Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.
Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.
It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.
For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.
If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.
Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.
And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.
"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense.
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.
For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.
For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
Is it real? I dunno, though it does ring true to my ears, or I guess eyes since I'm reading it.
And heck, it's pretty good advice for those in need of a public defender, though couched in terms of amusement.
Also, for all that our legal system is a long way from perfect and favors the rich over the poor, I hope it says something good about our system that we at least *try* to give some sort of defense for, well, for the sort of people that this poor woman has to defend. They're generally pretty indefensible and it may not be blind and equitable justice, but it's a hell of a lot better than what has existed for most of human history, including right now in most places in the world, especially Texas.
Poll #1413496 Semi-Finals! Pick your top *three* in each group.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 1
Waterboarded for Charity 6 (27.3%)
The Female Equivalent of Men 10 (45.5%)
Bloopy Oontz 4 (18.2%)
Metaphors Ripped My Flesh 6 (27.3%)
The Soul is in the Software 6 (27.3%)
Reboot to Never 4 (18.2%)
Coo Coo Ka-Blam 2 (9.1%)
Civil Disobedience and Donuts 4 (18.2%)
New Year's Evil 9 (40.9%)
Musical Wheelchairs 6 (27.3%)
They Came from Planet Clockwise 9 (40.9%)
Group 2
Crotch Pheasant 5 (22.7%)
Pregnant from Facebook 4 (18.2%)
Plug In Personal Satisfaction Machine 5 (22.7%)
Wall of Meat 6 (27.3%)
Am I Merely Celibate or Has a Unicorn Torn Off My Genitals? 4 (18.2%)
Stop, Drop, and Woop Woop Woop Woop! 6 (27.3%)
Radio Terrapin 10 (45.5%)
Sitting on Stalagmites 3 (13.6%)
Sufficiently Akimbo 7 (31.8%)
Death by Focus Group 9 (40.9%)
An Assful of Pipe Wrench 7 (31.8%)
I don't really feel like paying for a lot of expensive satellite internet time to keep up with the old friends list, so please hold off on having major life events until I return. Thanks.
Poll #1405763 Pick the best album name in each group.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 37
The Living Dead Need to Piddle 6 (28.6%)
Mushroom Cloud of Subtle 10 (47.6%)
Delicatesse de Dunette de Chat 2 (9.5%)
Carrot Companion Gardening Love Planting Secret SuccessfulTomato 1 (4.8%)
Clown Finger Parachute 2 (9.5%)
Group 38
Jesus Made Me Puke 2 (9.5%)
The Horsepower of Hot Glass 4 (19.0%)
Conservative Chair Endowment 0 (0.0%)
What I Already Knew About Corn 10 (47.6%)
A Generation of Sluts 5 (23.8%)
Group 39
General Impression of the Zeitgeist 7 (33.3%)
Plush Duck Quack 4 (19.0%)
The Golden Age of Shuriken 5 (23.8%)
Entralled by Typography 5 (23.8%)
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 34
End of the Clown Spectrum 3 (15.8%)
Restless Everything Syndrome 8 (42.1%)
Efficacy Ipecac 2 (10.5%)
Purr of Great Price 1 (5.3%)
This Picnic Needs Dragonforce 5 (26.3%)
Group 35
Mondo Bad Karma 5 (26.3%)
Suppository Territory 4 (21.1%)
Homosexual Bat Navigation 0 (0.0%)
Emergency Relief Trunks 4 (21.1%)
Purple Shiny Grrrr! 6 (31.6%)
Group 36
mmmm....Delicious Ham 0 (0.0%)
Norwegian Offshore Concession Stand 0 (0.0%)
Make with the Abnormalities! 5 (26.3%)
Man, Utopia Sucks 8 (42.1%)
Tetris Sex 6 (31.6%)
Poll #1403807 Pick the best album name in each group.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 31
Hooray Space Potato! 4 (25.0%)
Scraf Banana Fishface 1 (6.2%)
Carbon Neutral Baby Murder Factory 5 (31.2%)
Garlic Out Loud 4 (25.0%)
Hiscivff [I have no idea what the hell this means -Ed.] 2 (12.5%)
Group 32
Three-Part Contrast in Mouthfeel 3 (18.8%)
Sauerkraut and Condoms 1 (6.2%)
Latin Lasagna 2 (12.5%)
OMG! Teh Fatz! 1 (6.2%)
Songs from the "Lost and Found" Box 9 (56.2%)
Group 33
Ulterior Relations Obscure 0 (0.0%)
Scheme with Nordic Deviations 3 (18.8%)
Help Me I'm Fire 5 (31.2%)
Attack of the Killer Knees 0 (0.0%)
Mental Paper Cut 8 (50.0%)
Poll #1402687 Pick the best album name in each group.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 28
C# and Lesbians 3 (13.0%)
Suicide Birthday 3 (13.0%)
Send Men to Summon Worms 8 (34.8%)
The Pleasing Taste of Jeremiah 6 (26.1%)
Micropayments from Tehran 3 (13.0%)
Group 29
Possible Light Treason 9 (39.1%)
Herpes on Principle 2 (8.7%)
Fucked in Spain 2 (8.7%)
Dog Bowl Eugenics in Action 0 (0.0%)
Anarchism Doesn't Scale Well 10 (43.5%)
Group 30
Empty Beer Bottles and Happy Tail 3 (13.0%)
Presidential Double Dare 12 (52.2%)
Clown Food Supply Franchise 2 (8.7%)
Strawberry-Ruhbarb-Basil-Balsamic Mojito 1 (4.3%)
Miscellaneous Female Unmentionables 5 (21.7%)
Poll #1402030 Pick the best album name in each group.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 25
They Cancelled the Nun Pageant 6 (28.6%)
Reichstag Fire Drill 6 (28.6%)
Bulimic Gold 3 (14.3%)
Orange is the Color of the Puma's Coat 1 (4.8%)
The Infectious Bite of Tinkles McGillicuddy 5 (23.8%)
Group 26
Specter of Chicago 1 (4.8%)
Agents of Obesity 8 (38.1%)
Indecent Mustache 10 (47.6%)
Satation Mode: Active 1 (4.8%)
Diplomacy of Wubblies 1 (4.8%)
Group 27
400m Jamaican Ass Spoiler 2 (9.5%)
Kitsch for the Needy 10 (47.6%)
The Spank Heard 'Round the World 2 (9.5%)
No-Knock Maid Service 6 (28.6%)
Jesus-Loving Coal Power 1 (4.8%)
boffo) helped crystallize my thinking, which is this: ( Cut for boring politcalness )
<mule> this child is setting the table rapid-fire because I told him he could have chips as soon as he was done
<Rawdog> snack-powered utensil cannon!
<mule> if he sets his sights on you... you're forked
<Rawdog> hee
<mule> the end is spoon
<mule> so run for your knife
<Osomatic> !albumname Snack-powered Utensil Cannon
<mulebot> albumname: 'Snack-powered Utensil Cannon' has been added!
* Rawdog sighs.
<mule> :D
<mule> and yet, you still want to marry me, though you know what you're getting yourself into
<mule> heh
<Osomatic> Well, she knows you've got tongs of other good qualities.
<Rawdog> OH NOOOOO
<mule> oof
<Osomatic> !punish mule
<mulebot> mule now owes the pun jar $125.25
<Rawdog> bad.
<mule> !punish osomatic
<mulebot> osomatic now owes the pun jar $69.25
<Osomatic> Hopefully you guys can avoid having a spat, you'll uh, just have to get along.
* Osomatic hangs his head in shame.
<Osomatic> GODS AND MEN SAID A SPATULA PUN COULD NOT BE DONE
<Osomatic> BUT ONE MAN
<Osomatic> WORKING AGAINST ALL ODDS AND DECENCY
<Osomatic> WILL STRUGGLE THROUGH
<Osomatic> THIS SUMMER: OSO DAWN
<Osomatic> Anyway.
<Rawdog> I'm scared. hold me.
* Osomatic coughs lightly.
<mule> well, if we can't get along...
<mule> ... I'll just beater
* Rawdog runs out the building.
* Osomatic golf claps
<Osomatic> That's because you're such a masher, mule.
<mule> I strive to be something grater
<Osomatic> !punish mule
<mulebot> mule now owes the pun jar $125.50
<mule> but, really, I jest. what I really want to do is just whisk her away.
<Osomatic> ARG!
<Rawdog> YOU encouraged him
<Osomatic> Well, she is once... twice... three times a ladle....
* mule groans
<Rawdog> please. stop.
<Osomatic> No, that was "arg" because he just barely beat me to it.
<Osomatic> Anyway. I'll stop.
<mule> But you can't stopper.
<Rawdog> I should've known
<mule> she'll withdraw now. but not to worry. I can opener up.
<mule> And what's worse? I'm a chronic master-baster.
Poll #1400705 Pick the best album name in each group.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 22
Cats = Punt 1 (5.9%)
The Generative Powers of Compost Heaps 1 (5.9%)
Tularemia Thru the Tulips 5 (29.4%)
Unfair Attacks 5 (29.4%)
Sangria Glass Popsicle Jumbo Teatowel 5 (29.4%)
Group 23
Patina of Whiteness 4 (23.5%)
Time to Rock the Hitler 3 (17.6%)
Bosom Gravity Well 1 (5.9%)
Unpatriotic and Confusing 3 (17.6%)
Foof-a-Thon 6 (35.3%)
Group 24
White Trash Boast 4 (23.5%)
Sorghum Cold Tolerance 1 (5.9%)
Leaning Against Nothing 7 (41.2%)
Too Sick for Gin 3 (17.6%)
Presumably Dynamic 2 (11.8%)
Poll #1399401 Pick the best album name in each group.
This poll is closed.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All
Group 19
Expensive Redneck Woman 0 (0.0%)
Conanesque 1 (5.0%)
The Media's Cruel Destruction of Joe the Plumber 3 (15.0%)
Blue Collar Workers, White Men, and Catholics 2 (10.0%)
Death by Focus Group 14 (70.0%)
Group 20
Telling Impurities 4 (21.1%)
Pee It Out 4 (21.1%)
Guacamole Detention Camps 2 (10.5%)
An Assful of Pipe Wrench 5 (26.3%)
Chaff the Gaydar 4 (21.1%)
Group 21
Tazered Scorpion 3 (15.0%)
Installing Helen 2.0 3 (15.0%)
Indentify! 2 (10.0%)
The Turkey Incident 5 (25.0%)
The Mullet Years 7 (35.0%)
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