INT. - DERBY DOLL TRACK, MEN'S ROOM

NIBLET and DADA are here, washing off Niblet's finger from a minor injury. A friend of the Derby Dolls enters (pretty sure it was Bitchy Kitten but for now let's just call him, um, BK.) BK strips off his shirt and starts washing a minor injury on his back.

NIBLET
Why are you doing that... Calvin?

BK
Um... I'm just washing off. What's your name?

NIBLET
My name is Niblet, Calvin.

DADA
Buddy, um, his name isn't Calvin... even though it says so on his underwear.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I *know* where they got this joke, they got it in Back To The Future. And truly, I cannot deny that something like this happened in Back To The Future.

But also, I swear upon all that is holy that my kid assumed that the dude's name was Calvin.

Funnily enough, after I regained my composure enough to ask the dude if he knew why I'd nearly fallen on the floor laughing, I was like "dude, haven't you seen Back To The Future" he said "no, well, maybe, but a long time ago." So, hey. But oh man. I explained that something just like that had happened in the movie, and he nodded and smiled and thought me and my child were insane. Ah well. Luckily, when I explained what had happened to my wife, she nearly fell off her feet, which explains why we're married.

INT. LIVING ROOM
The Niblet has just taken a bath and has come into the room half-wrapped in a towel and shivering from being wet. He gives MAMA a hug.

NIBLET
Mama, your hands are warm!

MAMA
That's because your skin is cold from being wet. So it feels warm when I put my hand on your cold little bum.

NIBLET
Could you get it on my penis? My penis is cold.

MAMA
(coughing)
No I sure can't.

I'm doubting this will work for me either.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MAMA and DADA are here with NIBLET. Mama has just noted that she has acquired a splinter deep in one of her fingers.

NIBLET
Dada, do you know how Mama got her splinter?

DADA
Nope.

NIBLET
She got it in the back yard, playing with the meat.

DADA
The... meat?

NIBLET
Yeah, Dada, the meat.

DADA
Um, the... well, the meat?

NIBLET
Yes, Dada. She was playing with the meat.

DADA
Buddy, are you sure that's how she got a splinter? By playing with the meat, in the back yard?

MAMA
Niblet, do you mean the stake?

NIBLET
Yeah! You were playing with the stake, Mama, and that's how you got a splinter.

MAMA and DADA
(together)
Ohhhhhh!

The stake, you see. Mama had been driving stakes into the ground to plot out a chunk of garden. If you still don't get it, please check with your local rhyming dictionary. I'm well aware how utterly contrived this sounds, but I assure you that it is entirely true.

A shorter and funnier version appears on Nibletsays, the awesomest and Niblettiest twitter feed ever.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
NIBLET has woken up crying because his knee hurts. DADA lays down in bed next to him to give what comfort he can.


DADA
I know, buddy. It's growing pains. You're going to grow up big and tall.

NIBLET
Will my body break into pieces?

DADA
No, bud. Your body knows what it's doing.

NIBLET
How does my body know?

DADA
Um.... well, your body knows. You know how when your run fast your heart beats fast? You didn't tell it to, it just knows to do that.

NIBLET
Well, my body also knows that it will die.

DADA
Um.... yeah, I guess so.

NIBLET
When you grow up and get old old old, will you die like Grammy?

DADA
Well... yes. Yes, I will. I don't know when, and I hope it will be a long time from now, but yes, I will die some day.

NIBLET
I hope it is a long long long long loooooong time, Dada, because I love you.

DADA
(choking back tears)
I love you too, Niblet. I love you so much.


If he wants me to live longer he needs to be a bit less sweet, because he came damn close to killing me with this conversation. Seriously, this is the sort of conversation that happens in books, not real life, but I kid you not, this is what was said.

(Of course, after this we then moved on to talking about how when he grew up he would get to play video games whenever he wanted, and that he would be really good at them, and also that he would actually be Indiana Jones, so hey, it wasn't all sweetness.)

INT. DADA'S CAR - NIGHT

DADA and NIBLET are driving home. Niblet picks up a BOTTLE OF WATER and begins using it as a character in some sort of bizarre Nibletty play.

NIBLET
Hello. What is your name?

BOTTLE OF WATER
My name is Water. What is your name?

NIBLET
My name is Niblet.

BOTTLE OF WATER
That's a silly name! What is your Dada's name?

NIBLET
My Dada's name is Dada.

BOTTLE OF WATER
(laughing)
Hahahah! That is a very silly name! My Dada's name is Watapontisuty! And my Mama's name is... um... Pasafalatoomy! Isn't that funny?

NIBLET
No, that is silly.

There is more largely unintelligible conversation between Niblet and Bottle o' Water. Then something goes slightly... amiss.

NIBLET
Now I am firsty.

BOTTLE OF WATER
Nooo! Don't drink my blood!

NIBLET
But I have to, because I am firsty.

BOTTLE OF WATER
NOOOO!

Niblet drinks some of the water.

BOTTLE OF WATER
Why did you drink my blood?

NIBLET
Don't be silly, Bottle of Water. It's not blood, it's just water! You will be okay.

Niblet hands the Bottle of Water back to Dada.

NIBLET
Here, Dada. You can have your water back.

DADA
Um... thanks, I think.

You know I'll never be able to drink water out of a bottle again without feeling like I'm getting all vampire on the thing's ass.

NIBLET is having some friends over. He is very excited because he loves him some PATTY HERON and PIGPEN HERON (not their real last name). He is so excited that he is bouncing off the freaking walls for an entire freaking hour before they show up. MAMA and DADA are here and on their last nerve due to aforementioned bouncing and pounding and yelling and etc.

Dinner is served to various children.

Niblet largely cannot be concentrated upon his dinner for more than two seconds, and then is sent to his room for a gross infraction of the rules, the second time this evening. When Niblet is released from his room, the following conversation with DADDY ensues:

DADDY
Niblet. Do you know why you were sent to your room?

NIBLET
Because I was whining!

Niblet immediately tries to run off to play with his pals. Daddy real quick grabs him. (We daddies, we've got the kid radar and know what's up with the kids.)

DADDY
No, that was about an hour ago. Why were you sent to your room THIS time?

NIBLET
Ummmmmmm.. I don't know!

Niblet begins to make his escape again, and is stymied once more by a firm grip on the right bicep by Daddy.

DADDY
You don't really care about a single thing I'm saying here, do you? It's just a bunch of blah blah blah until you can go play with your friends, isn't it? Do you even care about a single damned thing I am saying? HUH?

NIBLET
I'm four years old!

Which, indeed, he is. And so, we see that the child has learned things, mostly about calling Daddy on his shit when Daddy is getting pissy and snarky. Precocious little bastard that he is. (For the record, though his outburst did lighten me up a bit, I still made the punishment stick.)

A conversation which happened later with Ms. Heron, aged five:

PATTY
My mom told me about a place where they massage your BOOBS!

MR. DOGOFTHEFUTURE
They do? Who is "they?"

PATTY
Yeah! And then I think they massage your *vagina!*

MR. DOGOFTHEFUTURE
Whaaat? Um... they do what now? Wait, hold on here. Who is "they?" and what are they massaging? Why are they massaging it? What the heck are you talking about?

PATTY
The people! They massaged her boobs! And then they massaged her...

Patty points at her crotch, apparently interpreting my discomfort to mean that I was worried about hearing the word "vagina," which really couldn't have been farther from the truth.

Eventually it's all hashed out: Patty heard a story her mom told about some crazy mud-bath-and-mineral-water spa where they didn't exactly massage the boobs, but they didn't avoid them either.

Much after all of that, Daddy/Mr. Dogofthefuture is sitting on the couch. Pigpen is happily playing with a car toy nearby. Suddenly Pigpen leaps up and pounds his way to the couch with some extremely important information!

PIGPEN
DOGOFTHEFUTUWE! DOGOFTHEFUTUWE! Dawth Vadw can Bweathe!

MR. DOGOFTHEFUTURE
Um... okay? You're right, he can, and breathes like -

But it is moot, as Pigpen has moved on. The incredibly important information has been imparted.

Ah, kids.

INT. THE HOUSE, ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO

NIBLET wakes up, coughing and crying. It seems he's got himself a sniffle and the coughs. He is a sad Niblet. DADA and MAMA come into his room to find out what the trouble is.

NIBLET
I'm sick. I need medicine and water.

DADA
Okay, buddy. We'll get you some cough medicine and some water.

Dada leaves to go get knock-out juice (aka "cough medicine," which does nothing at all for coughs but will knock the little guy out so he can get some sleep) and a cup of water. Also some tissue paper for him to blow his runny nose on.

MAMA
Okay, Niblet, here we go - blow your nose really hard.

Niblet blows.

MAMA
You have to blow harder than that, Nibby. You can do it - blow your brains out!

NIBLET
(shocked and appalled)
But I need my brains, to remember things!

We were able to convince him that he wouldn't actually blow his brains out. We even checked the tissue.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING


NIBLET
Hey, Dada.

DADA
Yes, Niblet?

NIBLET
Ffffuuuuck. I heard that word from Dorian. Fuuuuck.

DADA
I see. Well, that is a grownup word. You shouldn't say that word until you are a grownup.

NIBLET
Oh. Okay, Dada.

I assume this word (and others) will come up again, though it hasn't yet. I only hope it doesn't happen until there is some chance of reasoning with the child, explaining that there are some words you can use around me but nowhere else.

NIBLET is sick. He coughs and sniffles and sneezes and has pink eye and is generally a poor, sad little Nibbler.

Tonight, twenty minutes after he was put to bed, he woke up, having coughed hard enough to throw up his dinner. It went everywhere, including onto his favorite stuffed animal, Pink Dog. DADDY is cleaning up the blankets and pillowcases and whatnot that have been fouled.

NIBLET
Do I have to tell Mama tomorrow when I wake up that I threw up?

DADDY
No, buddy. You can, and she won't be mad. We know you didn't do it on purpose. It's okay, sweet guy. You are sick.

NIBLET
Thanks Daddy. I will pick another dog to stay with me tonight so Pink Dog can get washed.

DADDY
That's a good idea, bud. Pink Dog does need to get washed.

NIBLET
I know, Daddy. Okay, good night.

DADDY
Good night, Brendan. I love you.

NIBLET
Good night, Daddy. I love you. Goodbye, sweet little Pink Dog!

The sweetness, it might just kill you. At least, it might if you weren't the person who had to put drops in his eyes for the pink eye. Ye gads.

the alphabet, according to the keyboard niblet spilled on

a`
b
00d80e
023f
0g5
0h
0i
0j7
0k
0l
0m
0n
0o
0p
0q
0r
0s
0t
0u
0v
0w
0x
0y
0z
0
0
a`a`a`iiiiiieeeee

They tried to make Nib go to bedtime,
but he said no, no, no.
Yes he been bad but he can look glad, no, no, no.

He will play with trains, though his daddy beat his brains,
They try to make Nib go to bedtime
but he won't go, go, go.

He'd rather be at home with trains...
He ain't got seventeen 'splains,
'Cause there's nothing you can teach him
That he can't learn by Mr. Topham Hat

They tried to make Nib go to bedtime,
but he said no, no, no.

To the tune of Amy Winehouse's Rehab

INT. LIVING ROOM: EVENING

NIBLET has a relatively fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookie, baked by MOMMY. He is munching the heck out of his cookie. DADDY and MOMMY are also eating their respective cookies.

NIBLET
I won! I won because I finished my cookie before you.

DADDY
But maybe you didn't "win."

NIBLET
I win because I finished mine first.

MOMMY
But I win because I still have my cookie. I eat it slowly, and I get to enjoy my cookie.

NIBLET
Okay, mommy. I would like to enjoy another cookie.



Clever, isn't he.

INT. BEDROOM
It is NIBLET's bedtime. Niblet does not want to go to bed, and has recently revealed a deep-seated fear of a moose coming out of his wall. Nobody has any clue why, but Niblet still seems pretty shaky.

DADA
Okay, buddy. Time to go to bed. You've got the pull-ups on, and you're ready for bed.

NIBLET
Okay, Dada.

Niblet climbs into bed and pulls the sheet up over him.

NIBLET
Dada, will you sleep with me?

DADA
Oh gosh, buddy. I can't. I have important Dada stuff to do.

NIBLET
Can Mama sleep with me?

DADA
Oh, buddy. No, she can't. She is going to sleep in the bed with me. We have our own bed to sleep in.

NIBLET
But maybe you could both sleep with me in my bed and it would be our bed.

DADA
Sweet little guy... no. We can't sleep with you. We have to sleep in our bed, and you have to sleep in your bed.

NIBLET
Can you find me another grownup to sleep with me?

DADA
(heart is being torn asunder)
Buddy... oh gosh... it's okay for you to be in your bed alone, I promise. You need to sleep here in your bed by yourself. I promise that you will be okay. And hey, you've got all your animals! Look, it's Pink Dog! And Rolf! And Niblet Dog! And other animals!

NIBLET
Thanks, Dada. Can you find my my lion?

DADA
Huh? Oh, hey, look there's a stuffed lion and rabbit. You now have several stuffed dogs, two stuffed rabbits, a stuffed Stewie (from Family Guy, really), a small stuffed lion, and approximately 15 stuffed animals stacked around you like a bulwark. Is that going to be okay?

NIBLET
Yes, Dada. Night-night. I will close my eyes.

DADA
That's a good idea. Good night, sweet boy. I love you SO much.

NIBLET
Night night, Dada.

No more noises were heard from the room tonight - presumably he sacked out pretty quick. Boy howdy. It's hard out here for a Daddy.

The backstory: AJ is a truly adorable two-year-old girl. She is really very sweet and redonkulously cute with a big silly grin. Her mother and father, sadly, have quite recently divorced. Her father (a friend of ours) is taking AJ on a whirlwind tour of the US to visit friends and family while he is on leave from his job in a foreign country. Tonight, her father, my wife, and several other friends went to see a show after we all had dinner while yet another friend of ours watched the passel of kids. I picked up Niblet and AJ after dinner and took them home, where they are currently snoozing (probably adorably cuddling) in Niblet's bed. (Note: I continue to refer to myself in the following as Dada, though I am not AJ's Dada.)


INT. AUTOMOBILE - NIGHT, ON THE WAY HOME

AJ and NIBLET are amusing themselves by copying each other making various high-pitched noises. DADA is ignoring them. Eventually, they wind down.

AJ
Where is my mommy?

DADA
I think she's at your house, sweetie.

AJ
No, she's in Canada!

DADA
Oh, okay. What is she doing in Canada?

AJ
Talking. She's talking to Canada.

DADA
There's a lot of people in Canada. That sounds like a big job.

AJ
Yes. It is a big job to talk to Canada.

CUT TO:

INT. OUR HOUSE - LATER

AJ
Where is my mommy?

DADA
She's in Canada, right, sweetie?

NIBLET
Where is MY mommy?

DADA
I told you, buddy. She's out with AJ's daddy, and our friends Sean and Amanda. Do you remember Amanda?

AJ
That's where my mommy is! She's in MANada!

DADA
Uh, well, you know, maybe, um, gosh, well, I wouldn't like to speculate, but, uh, so... hey, would you guys like some juice?

AJ & NIBLET
(in unison)
Okay!

I also considered developing a severe cough, but I didn't think I could pull it off that quickly.

I was allowed to sleep late, then I was fed a delicious omelet, crispy bacon, and toast. Then the child was whisked off to a comic-book store while I was allowed to slouch around doing nothing (which task I performed at in an exemplary manner), had lunch brought back to me, and then got to take a nap. In the meantime, laundry and vacuuming and such happened around me. Woo! Afterwards, we went out for a delicious steak dinner, and hung around with our friends who took our child, and then we came home. It's been great. Really darn great. If I'd known that fathering a child (I had the easy part) was going to produce days this awesome, I would have done so a lot earlier. Except not really.

Anyway, the reason I am a father, a.k.a Niblet, has been really interested in Superman lately. And at the comic book store he got a boxed set of a pretty cool Superman AND Batman. He's been playing with them pretty much non-stop. And so we bring you another edition of Niblet Theater. (Yes, it used to be called something else Theater. It's not any more.)



NIBLET THEATER

INT. - MY CHILD'S BRAIN

SUPERMAN and BATMAN are standing near each other. They are both wearing capes that must NOT be removed. Suddenly, they both decide to fly around in the sky!

SUPERMAN
Swooosh! Shhhhhwooooosh!

BATMAN
ssss! ssst-ssssss! ... I came down. Now Superman should come down too.

SUPERMAN
Okay, I'm landing now.

Superman and Batman land on a strange, dark green, and slightly resilient and leathery surface. They land facing each other at a distance of inches, even in scale.

BATMAN
Hello, Superman.

SUPERMAN
Hello, Batman.

BATMAN
Dada, what does Superman say?

SUPERMAN
Um, I don't know... Hey, Batman, how was your day?

BATMAN
Good.

SUPERMAN
Me too. What did you do today, Batman?

BATMAN
I went to the park.

SUPERMAN
That sounds like a lot of fun, Batman. What did you do at the park?

BATMAN
I went on the slide and the swings.

SUPERMAN
That sounds like fun, Batman. Was it fun?

BATMAN
Yes, Superman, it was a lot of fun. Let's go to the park.

SUPERMAN
Okay!

EXT. - THE PARK, LATER (INSIDE MY CHILD'S BRAIN)


SUPERMAN
Dada, you take Batman.

BATMAN
I can't, buddy. I have to take a shower. You play with Superman and Batman.

SUPERMAN
Okay.

BATMAN
I love you, Superman.

SUPERMAN
I love you, Batman.

BATMAN
Let's fly around together!

SUPERMAN
Sssss! sssss! sstttssss!

BATMAN
Sstttsss! ssss!

And yet they cannot marry. Some society we live in.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

NIBLET comes walking into the room holding the flash to MAMA'S camera.

NIBLET
Where do you put your eye?


The flash is quickly taken away from him.

MAMA
Niblet, you can't ever touch my camera.

NIBLET
Where do you put your eye?

MAMA
Niblet. Don't ever touch my camera.

NIBLET
But where do you put your eye?

MAMA
Niblet. Stop. Come here. Listen to me. Are you listening to me?

NIBLET
Yes, Mama.

MAMA
Don't ever touch my camera. Do you understand?

NIBLET
Yes. Where do you put your eye?

MAMA
What did I just tell you?

NIBLET
To listen.

MAMA
And what did I tell you after that?

NIBLET
I don't know. I wasn't listening.

Life with a three-year old - it's invigorating!

INT. - A STRETCHY ROOM WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS

The room has been stretching, changing what appeared to be normal portraits into scenes of mortal danger for all those pictured in the portraits. A creepy narrator begins to speak about the "corruptible, mortal state" of those in the portraits.

NIBLET gets a bit sketchy and clings on to MAMA.



CREEPY NARRATOR
...you will see that this room has NO windows, and NO doors. Heh heh heh. Of course... there's always MY way.


INT. - CEILING
The ceiling suddenly becomes transparent, revealing a corpse hanging from a crossbeam, possibly one of the actual creepy moments in this attraction.

The lights go out and the room is plunged into sudden darkness. People in the room begin to scream in a fake manner.


NIBLET
I wanna go outsiiiide!

ROOM
Hahahahah!



Poor little guy. He's only three. But he has perfect comedy timing, he really does. Once we got out of that room and into the "dancing ghosts" section of the Haunted Mansion, he was basically okay with it.

And he was really, absolutely and truly, the best guy during the entire day. Despite getting utterly exhausted, he was totally the best little guy the whole day at Disney Land. He seemed to have a pretty good time, too. It's easy for me to forget that he is only 3 (and just barely 3 at that) because he is such a little man. Lord knows we saw enough other kids who couldn't contain themselves as well as he did, and they were, like, 32.

Anyway, apparently early aging runs in the family, because I realized today that despite having only last week grown out of the 18-34 demographic, I am already *well* out of it. You see, when we first arrived, I saw a girl wearing a shirt that something about "Hollister" and "So Cal Love" and I thought, heh, well, okay there, little town of Hollister, you're finding a new way to sell some shirts and stuff.

I kept seeing it throughout the day and I thought "wow, this town is pretty hip and cool, somehow, and they're having a Disneyland day in this central California town."

It took seeing a teenaged girl with a frankly astonishingly revealing pair of shorts which should have read "Juicy" but instead read "Hollister" to realize that, oh - this has nothing to do with Hollister, California - it's a new brand of clothing. It took waaaaaay too long for me to figure it out, frankly.

I swear to you on all that is holy that I had not seen nor heard of this brand until today.

And so I am officially old. I expect to be introduced to further new brands of clothing over the coming years, but only as further surprises as my child will demand clothing with these brands.

The fight which will ensue is further proof of how old I now am. But: As of last week I can run for President, by golly. So expect to see me throwing my hat (my NON-BRANDED hat) into the ring any day now.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

NIBLET is playing with various toys, as DADA reads a book.


NIBLET
Dada, I'm hungwy. I'm hungwy, Dada. I would like something to eat, Dada. I'm hungwy.

DADA
I heard you the first time. So what would you like to eat?

NIBLET
Umm... peanut butteh an-

DADA
No way, kid. You have to eat something other than peanut butter and jelly.

NIBLET
But I need it.

DADA
Why do you need it?

NIBLET
Because you have to.

DADA
Oh come on. How about a hot dog? How about some pasta? Or chicken? Or potatoes? Or vegetables?

NIBLET
Peanut butteh and jelly.

DADA
How about if I give you half of a peanut butter and jelly and some vegetables? Will that get you off my back?

Niblet comes over to Dada and grabs Dada's love handles.

NIBLET
I am on youw back, Dada!

Niblet releases the love handles.

NIBLET
And now I am off youw back.

It is fun having kids. But sometimes they can make you feel like a big old Jerk Dad.