According to this helpful broadsheet about Proposition 8 mailed to us by the Knights of Columbus¹, there are books about gay people out there, and they *could* be used to teach gay marriage to elementary school students, whether You Like it or Not. But the important part is this quote:

A 'No' Vote Means Gay Marriage is Still Mandated

Which reminded me to remind all my California pals that just in case Prop 8 doesn't pass, that the deadline to get gay married is December 29. Don't delay - get gay married today! It's not just a good idea, it's The Law.


¹Knights of Columbus is a Catholic fraternal organization, like the Masons or Elks and such. And only a deeply cynical person would think that the funding for "Yes on 8" is coming from the Catholic Church, but the Church would prefer the ads not actually say "Thanks for putting a fiver in the collection plate, this is what we're spending it on."

Aw. I'm kind of bummed. I'd been counting on Tom Kovach to provide a nearly endless supply of amusement, or at least a weekly incentive to write.

But this week, Tom is *totally* phoning it in. His entire "column," even including the "documentary" footnote, is a mere 440 words! C'mon, Tom, you can do better.

I guess I'll just have to make fun of Tom at... not length. Here we go:

every person in the Bible has a name that carries a meaning relevant to the story. My favorite example is from 1st Samuel 15, where a man named Nabal picked a fight with David's militia. The name Nabal means "fool."

In what languague, Tom? Ancient Ligurian? Ancient Frankish? Ancient *something*, come ON, Tom. Hey, the word "Tom" means "He who pretends to do research but in fact only just whines about how he totally wrote a book but his enemies destroyed it, he swears he totally did write it" in ancient Cowfecesish. Those ancient Cowfecesians, they packed a lot of meaning into just a few letters.

I have written previously about the meaning of the name of Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmedi-Nejad. (Although it is commonly written as all one word, his family name is actually a compound word.) Every time the president of Iran signs his paycheck, he looks down and reads in Farsi: "the praiseworthy descendant of the one most highly to be praised." Is it any wonder, then, that he has such an enormous ego as to consider himself prophetically ordained to destroy Israel?

Well... kind of, yes. I do wonder. If we're assuming that the dude is taking his name as his life's mission, exactly where does "my awesome father had an awesome father (and so on)" have anything to do with Israel? I mean yes, Arabs and Islam are not fond of Israel, but also where the hell does it say anything about that in the dude's name? Honestly, what the heck does "My name is Mr. Awesome, Son of Awesomer, Grandson of Awesomest," have to do with the theoretical destruction of Israel? Pretty much nothing. It's also a setup to fail. Would you name your kid "The Best Running Back Ever Smith"? No way. If you're a truly badass Islamist, you name your kid "Too Weak and Puny and Faithless To Push Israel Into the Sea." That's a Boy Named Jihad, right there.

In most cultures of the world, the naming of children is taken very seriously. Many cultures do as the Hebrews did during Bible times, attaching prophetic significance to a person's name. That is also the case with the Luo people of the Nyanza province of southwestern Kenya.

As opposed to here, where naming children is a big ol' party game for everybody to enjoy.

Er, unless they are Latinos, who often name their male children Jesus. I'm pretty sure that Jesus is a pretty big name in Christianity. Oh wait, this could be awesome - maybe they'll all have a huge Jesus-off to decide exactly which one of them gets to rise and be at the right hand and stuff.

I'll buy a ticket for the Tournament of Jesuses, but only if it's going to be at Staples Center so I can take the train. Parking at the Honda Center totally blows.

That is the ethnic group from which American presidential candidate Senator Barack Hussein Obama descends. The senator's father, a Muslim, gave his son names from the Arabic language. The first name Barack means "blessing." (Oddly, in the Hebrew language, the same word, barak, means "lightning." For the Bible significance, see Luke 10:18.) The senator's middle name means "handsome." But, the last name Obama does not come from Arabic. It comes from the Luo language.

It means "crooked."¹ (I have provided the bizarre footnote below. It doesn't exactly shed a lot of light on things.)

Really. Obama means "crooked," "zigzag," or "not in a straight line." So, the meaning of his entire name — as it would be understood by diplomats from Africa or the Arab world — is: "the blessing from the handsome one that is crooked."

So... is his name prophetic, or mere coincidence?

Er... only if those diplomats from Africa or the Arab world - who you haven't particularly, Tom, I'm just noting, who you haven't really bothered to care about until now... only if they happen to know a language which you were unable to find any translation for until you were able to locate a theoretical Kenyan professor. So... what about the Arabs? Do they happen to speak an obscure dialect of Kenyan?

(All of this is assuming that Tom has actually done due diligence and isn't making this translation up. His maps don't exactly lend a lot of credence to that theory.)

Hey Tom, in the language of the ethnic group from which Yours Truly is descended, the word "craic," pronounced "crack," means "fun" or "a good time." So therefore, those of Irish extraction created crack to give people a good time, possibly. Damn you, Pipey McSmokeypants!

¹Obtaining a reliable translation from the Luo language — which is spoken by only 13 percent of the people of Kenya — proved difficult. There is no complete Luo-English dictionary. Two professors of African studies at universities in the United States were not able to provide the translation. The staff of the Embassy of Kenya was reluctant to even discuss the Luo language with me, much less provide a translation. (As it turns out, there has been ethnic rioting in the street, because the supporters of the second-place presidential candidate believe the election was "stolen" by fraud. The second-place candidate, and the rioters, came from the Luo tribe. Hmmmmmmmm.) A reliable translation finally came from a professor of linguistics that grew up in Kenya and is a Luo speaker.

I have recently discovered a new source of truly wacky amusement: Tom Kovach. Tom Kovach, in (presumably) his own words, "is a former USAF Blue Beret, and has written for several online publications. In 2006, he published his first book. He is also an inventor, a horse wrangler, a certified paralegal, and a network talk-radio host. He is available to speak to your group."

My heavens, wherever does he find the time to write what is almost certainly an unpaid or almost nearly unpaid column for the mighty internet juggernaut that is www.renewamerica.us? In between the horse wrangling, inventing, and paralegaling? Also, I should note that in the Air Force, the Blue Berets are not Special Forces, they are military policemen. It just sounds cooler to call yourself a "Blue Beret."

Anyway, none of that matters. The dude is a total WACKALOON, a fundamentalist but who takes it a lot farther with numerological analysis of the Bible and wayyyyy farther. Amusingly so, if you are in the proper frame of mind. I refer you to his most recent column, of July 18 2008. I will reproduce much of it here, for purposes of sheer and utter mockery. So let's begin:

This writer has received an increased amount of hate mail for daring to proclaim that last month's "unprecedented" dry-lightning storm in California was an act of God that will precede another act of God.

Er... aren't all lighting storms, strikes, etc, acts of god? Even if not, don't all acts of God pretty much necessarily precede other acts of God? Never mind, never mind...

This writer also dared to proclaim the notable timing relationship between the lightning storm and California's resumption of same-sex "marriage." This writer also dared to proclaim that the lightning storm that triggered more than 800 wildfires in a single day — a day that had significance of its own, both in calendar position and in events — was part of a specific sequence of events predicted in the Bible as the start of the seven-year period called The Tribulation. This writer also dared to predict that the sequence — written in Revelation 8:5 — says that the next thing to happen would be an earthquake.

People scoffed.

I didn't actually scoff at that, but only because I only recently came upon this column. I was, if you will, a future scoffer. I continue to scoff, though, if for no other reason than your determination to refer to yourself as "this writer." It doesn't actually make you sound more journalistic, dude. Also, uh, the decision to resume same-sex marriage happened, like, a month ago. Almost exactly a month ago, as I read my calendar. So was God, like, too busy? I mean, if He'd wanted to make His point, wouldn't He have started whooping ass IMMEDIATELY? Or did God totally drop the Ball on That One, sorry, it won't Happen again?

The Holy Bible says that, in the End Times, people will scoff.

The folks who wrote the Holy Bible are pretty clever, because they were aware that people have *always* scoffed and will continue to do so. So hey, why not say that the existence of scoffers proves your point?

Skipping just a bit (I assure you I am leaving nothing of import out, and feel free to check the original column if you think I am)...

In previous columns, this writer posited that the wildfires could heat up the rock formations, thus creating geological instability. A later column showed that, indeed, the official US Geological Survey earthquake prediction maps indicated that the wildfire zone was more than three thousand times more likely to have an earthquake three weeks after the fires started that it was the day before the fires started.

I should note that the words "three thousand times" in that paragraph were hyperlinked. But the link was broken. HMMmmmmmmm. Of course, um... heating up the rock formations that exist several miles below the surface of the earth is maybe not all that scientifically proven. In fact, of course, it is lots of rain, which filters down to the geological rock formations and makes everything all slippy-slidy that *actually* causes earthquakes.¹

So now let's skip more of the boring crap and get to the really amusing part of this: The part where we get to draw! Or, as the wackaloon puts it, the defeat of a "strange god" that dares to defy the God of the Bible.

It starts with this image:

This is a map of earthquakes within the past few days in the area of Asti², California. And, as everyone knows, "Asti" means "Hill" in the ancient Ligurian language! ANCIENT! LIGURIAN!

Now, what most people would take from this is that there are earthquake faults all throughout California and this particular area experienced some tiny, tiny quakes. Why, they might even be foreshocks. But nobody knows... except GOD of course! God is totally messing with your mind. Observe, and may I remind you of Mr. Kovach's reminder that this is all terribly coincidental with the "resumption of same-sex marriage" (which happened a month ago):

The above map shows a closer view of the Asti quake cluster zone. In the closer view, it is easier to see how many quakes have occurred recently in this small area. But, if a person had been watching this same map several times per day, for a month, then that person would see what this writer will now highlight for the reader.


Oh ho, scoffers! Looky there! God is drawing on the map! Also, God is very selective in which points He notes and which ones He ignores. And look further, ye scoffers:



Look, it's a crescent! If I draw on the map to include a couple of random events outside the big cluster that I'm citing as my evidence of a big earthquake to come, look! Look, I'm drawing on the map! It's a CRESCENT! You know how I know? Because I drew it that way!


It's totally a crescent! Or anyway it's a banana, and we know how God feels about South American "Banana" Republics.

But it gets even better, because now we're not even going to try to map things, we're just going to stick stuff on the map and say God did it.

The above picture shows the same two arc lines, only now connected and filled in with white color. Clearly visible is a crescent-moon shape. The crescent is the symbol of Islam. But, this crescent is oriented exactly upside-down and backwards of the Islamic crescent. Or, you know, a banana. In religious iconography, that would be the equivalent of a public slap in the face. Only an all-powerful God could have arranged earthquakes to appear on a map in the shape of an upside-down-and-backwards Islamic crescent. Er... why didn't He make it a perfect crescent shape, with exactly perfect, say, 4.0 earthquakes in an actual, y'know, CRESCENT shape? Never mind. But, wait, there's more. Islamic flags actually contain two celestial features: a crescent moon and a star. So, where is the star? Remember the mention of the idol worship at the Bohemian Grove? This writer maintains, as does the Holy Bible, that idol worship is an activity inspired by Satan — even if the participants do not recognize Satan, and think that they are praying to "someone else." Let's insert a Satanic star (point-down) over the location of the Bohemian Grove.



Well yes, let's just go ahead and do that, shall we? I mean why not? It could have been almost any other shape in the world, but why not a star? It's just you and me here, so let's go ahead and make up the rules! Only Satanists use star symbols! Nobody else has ever used a star symbol except Satanists. And you can tell because the Satanist star symbol is a sort of flabby star symbol, with the point down... wait... WHICH point down?

Anyway, the point is. If you've got photoshop and some USGS maps, you can draw on a map and say that God wanted them there as a warning about, apparently, gay marriage, which would possibly be... er... reverse Islam. And who, indeed, can gainsay your wisdom?

Now, I am well aware that I'm not God. I'm not a flying purple unicorn, either. But, let's just say for the sake of argument that I am an all-powerful being.

Now, as an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-controlling being, I decide that I am miffed about gay dudes getting it on legally (as opposed to in secret, which is how I really like it because hey, I'm a deity, but secret and illicit sex is *hot*).

So, now. How do I send My message?

A) Flinging lightning bolts to incinerate all gay people immediately

B) Telling people to stop being gay, then not bothering to do anything about it, just designating some assholes to talk for Me about how much it irritates Me

C) Creating everybody as they are and loving them no matter what

D) Sending a series of small earthquakes and forest fires which with a lot of imagination could look vaguely crescent-ish (NO, NOT like a banana, shut up), then Photoshop (yeah, I created Photoshop JUST FOR THIS) a star onto that map, to show an image equivalent to seeing a flag with the Islamic crescent and star on a flag from the wrong side: BOOYAH! Backwards crescent and star = deliberate if extremely complicated insult to Islam, designed to show My displeasure not about gay people getting it on, but about gay people getting married. 'Cause everybody knows that Islam is all about the gay-loving. MAN! If *that* doesn't show those homos, I don't know what will!

Don't trust anyone who plumps for "C." They're probably queer for queers. Stick with "B," it gets you donations from the faithful.



¹This is not even remotely true.

²"In 1881, Andrea Sbarboro established two communities, Asti and Chianti, as part of his Italian Swiss Agricultural Colony. Asti was named after the city in northern Italy." - from the Wikipedia entry on "Asti" (Not explained: What the heck is "Italian Swiss.")

Today I saw a car with an Indiana license plate making a hugely illegal left turn off of Highland. The license plate read, along with the plate number, "In God We Trust."

This is one of those issues I haven't paid much attention to, though I was aware it existed. I didn't pay too much attention largely because I find it exasperating. It seems pretty clear to me that it it's unconstitutional, and will be found so. Of course, there are those who think it's just fine, and perhaps not all of their reasoning is entirely facile and specious. Nevertheless, as with many of these issues, it's one of those arguments that it's important to keep having. So hey, why not have a small portion of that argument right here?

Poll #1219643 In God We License Our Automobile
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14

Should states be allowed to issue religiously-themed auto license plates to people who will pay extra for them?

If it's more complicated, how so?

I was looking at my wife today, at about 5:57 PM when I got home, and I suddenly realized: I no longer wanted to have anything to do with her. She had done nothing wrong - indeed, she had cooked one of the tastiest meatloaves I've ever eaten. And some broccoli. I have to assume that she had been having the same sort of thoughts, and was hoping that I would choke on one of the suspiciously large florets.

Suddenly, we both realized that our marriage had been irreparably damaged.

Alright, hardy har har. But I'm going to ask two questions, one of which I asked long ago and was not answered, and a somewhat related but new question:

1) Is there a rational or legal reason to be against gay marriage?

2) I accept that you are opposed to gay marriage on religious grounds - I don't share your beliefs, but I respect your right to your faith. Indeed, you are free to deny marriage to gay people within your church, and honestly I have no problem with that. I'm firmly committed to the First Amendment. But... what does it matter if the state sanctions gay marriage? I know *you* don't sanction it, and nor does your church. But why does it matter what the state does? (I'm pretty well aware that I'm asking this one largely into a crowd of unbelievers. But if any of you have any insight on this one, please, help me out.)

I got an e-mail in my Facebook inbox from one Narayan Khanna. No clue who that is, but here's the opening:

Wishing you a Life Filled with Inner Self Newness. As we Bravely Run towards the Finishing line of Life, we Forget to Remind each other of Our Virtues. Interestingly, The Divine Rationale Intellect Only sees Qualities and Teaches us to Let Go of our weaknesses. Out of My Respect for Humanity, Please Accept My Good Wishes...

And it goes on quite a bit in that vein, including such gems as

Your Beautiful Soul contains: A Happy Mind + A Knowledgeful Intellect + A Virtuous Personality. The ORIGINAL HOME of Souls is The SOUL WORLD, The Faraway Peaceful Land of Silence.

and my favorite,

Be a Beautiful Gardner in the Creation of your Colourful Tree-like Life. Eat Fruits of Joy and Spread the Fragrance of your Flower-like Virtues to souls who seek your Shade.

I'm reasonably certain I have no virtues whatsoever, having personally strangled the last of them when I was 26. But if some have come creeping back, I'll have you know that there is no frigging way any of them are flower-like.

You people keep your Fruits of Joy and especially your Fragrances to yourselves, too. Spreading them can't possibly be hygienic.

There is something about the whole Catholic sex abuse scandal that has been bothering me for a while. It's that people, and the media, and apparently the church itself, have been focusing on the wrong thing.

At the risk of sounding callous, the real problem is not the sexual abuse itself.

Please let me explain, and do not think for a second that I am trying to diminish the pain and shame and emotional trauma that the victims of the abuse went through. But... the abuse itself, while a crime, and reprehensible and deeply, deeply regrettable, is not a solvable problem.

The sad and terrible truth is that there are pedophiles in this world. There are pedophile priests, there are pedophile teachers, there are pedophile insurance adjusters, there are pedophile physicists, there are... pedophiles. They exist everywhere. It's not just Catholic priests, in fact, I would be incredibly surprised if there weren't a few of these assholes leading flocks in almost every religion. But even religion itself isn't the problem here, it's that sometimes, regrettably, there are predators in the world.

Worse yet, you often can't catch these people until they actually do something that someone is willing to report.

So when people get upset that the new Pope declines to meet with victims of the sexual abuse, I wonder who can blame him, because what the hell could he possibly say to make it better?

However, and this is the part that most of the media outlets seem to be missing but more importantly the Catholic Church itself seems to be missing, is that while it may not be possible to stop it from happening in the first place, it IS possible to respond properly. Which doesn't mean blaming it on "homosexual priests" or whatever blather Benedict was going on about.

It is the cover-up, and the continuing cover-up, that is the true crime. The media focuses on the abuse itself because it is titillating. The Church seems to feel that making big payouts to victims will solve the problem. It won't.

Had the pedophile priests been immediately turned over to authorities (and probably thrown out of the church, or possibly forgiven in their prison cell), this would not have been a huge deal to me, or, I think, to most thinking people. But instead the church moved the priests around, transferring them to different parishes as soon as there was a hint of trouble, even in cases where priests confided to their superiors that they did not think they could stop touching little children.

Even to this day, Los Angeles' Cardinal Roger Mahoney is refusing to give up the records of how and why his parish priests were moved around from church to church, while his Archdiocese pays out millions to shut up victims.

People can accept failings in their priests, Cardinal. Everyone is human, even pedophiles. They can be forgiven. What can't be forgiven is allowing that abuse to continue when you have, easily, not only the power to stop it but the power to give yourself some good PR by showing that you are DOING SOMETHING about the problem.

I am sorry to say that sexual abuse probably can not be stopped. But hiding it and purposefully allowing it to keep happening is a far, FAR worse sin. The entire Catholic hierarchy, from the lowest priest to the Pope Hisownself remains guilty until they promise to take the right steps the next time it happens. So far, that doesn't seem to be happening.

essentialsaltes pointed me to this particular item of interest: The Astrological Magazine is going out of business... due to unforeseen circumstances.

Are you laughing? I'm not laughing. Why are you laughing?

Today's dueling headlines:

Calls in Sudan for Execution of Briton (for allowing a teddy bear to be named "Mohammed")
Papal Letter Blames Atheism for World's Worst Woes

If I'd made these up, you would all laugh at me for being ridiculously over the top.

My only further commentary, with apologies to Ogden Nash:

Mohammed the Bear
Should we care?

He was sad to be blasphemous
When he'd only been made to be fuzzimous

He wanted to have his fur ruffed and mussed
But Islam wanted him to be Inquistion-esed,

Lo! How sad to be a bear of very little blame,
When folks are calling for death over your name.

1. So... I just recently discovered Yahoo! Answers. Which is about what you think it probably is.

A recent question was "Why doesn't God punish atheists?" And my answer was "Because atheists would probably enjoy it, and God's not into that sort of thing. God is totally vanilla." Here is what is awesomely ironic: Quite a number of folks felt the need to punish this comment.

The one I won "best answer" for was this: "Are Christians more constipated than atheists?" to which I answered "Well, they *do* swallow the whole Bible."

2. Here is how good at my job I am: Somebody came over to my desk thinking I'd know the answer to something and I had to tell her that no, no I don't know offhand. Then she noticed a piece of paper with the answer in big bold print, stuck on my cubicle wall, about a foot and a half in front of where I sit every day. Durrrrrr.

I've never been a huge Kathy Griffin fan, but the lady knows how to make an Emmy acceptance speech (and get a lot of free publicity):

A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it, Jesus - this award is my God now!

I think it's hilarious. I also think I'm in the minority on that.

Naturally the outrage machine has been cranked up, especially amongst the none-too-bright and easily offended. Here's a particularly fine example.

I must note the irony of someone with no sense of perspective about his religion claiming that Griffin wouldn't dare to insult Muslims, presumably because they have no sense of perspective about their religion. I'd further note that maybe if people regularly thanked Allah or Mohammed for awards, she would have said "Suck it, Mohammed."

A commenter on that page would also like Kathy to know that if she wants to be taken seriously she should "keep [her] mouth shut and [her] legs open." Very Christian of you, sir. Come to think of it, very non-ironically Islamic of you as well.

To be a bit serious, though, my quick perusal of various bloggers who are annoyed by this (and to be fair, there's plenty that are supportive as well) seems to indicate that Christians feel insulted and offended. I can't understand how. Did she say "You Christians are dumb for believing," or in fact anything about Christians at all? No. No matter how fervent your belief, all Kathy Griffin has done is make a blasphemous comment. Maybe, if you are truly a believer, she deserves your scorn or your pity or perhaps even your best effort to make her see the light (and good luck with that). But you personally have not been damaged, nor has your faith.

This is really important, people, so remember it well: Nobody has the right to not be offended.

1. I kind of enjoy the Art Bell show, or at least "Coast to Coast AM with George Noory" which is what replaced the Art Bell show. About half an hour once a week is all I can take, though.

But I enjoy it in a really awful and superior sort of way, sort of like "Oh, this is what the stupid people listen to." I know, it's awful to think that about your fellow human beings.

Still, though. I mean apart from "how do people believe in this crap," there's the element of "how do people believe in ALL of this crap?" The stuff I heard last week was almost diametrically opposed to the stuff I heard tonight, and yet George Noory mumbled along and said "well that certainly makes sense" and such to both of his guests who had written books full of wackjobbery.

I guess you pick and choose, and shake your head at the OTHER wackos.

"Ha ha ha, silly people thinking that it was all supernatural beings who were running everything in pre-history before Jesus showed up and killed them off... how silly is that, everybody knows it was the intelligent reptilian creatures who farmed dinosaurs versus the Atlanteans who, after winning the war against the reptilians accidentally blew themselves up and sunk their continent into the ground! DUH!"¹)

2. Most bank/investment websites, when showing you options for various retirement/annuity/etc plans, show marketing pictures of happy old couples being happy. I know, it's marketing, they show happy young people for other types of products, but I still can't help myself from thinking that the old people in these pictures are saying on the inside "We're happy old people, and the money we're making from being in these pictures is OUR retirement. Thank god we're photogenically old."

¹ Neither of these were made up, they both came from listening to the show.

People often talk about "processed" food, and how it is bad. There certainly is no shortage of food available out there that is, in fact, bad for you. But I wonder what exactly does "processed food" mean?

Fr'instance, white sugar is "processed" (or "refined" if you prefer) but what that means is that they wash it in water a few times until the dirt is gone. Or if you get really good sausage made from high-quality ingredients, MAN it's good and not even all that bad for you, but I personally would be hard-pressed to say it's not processed, what with being ground up and heavily salted and seasoned and smoked or steamed, etc. Most of those last few processes grew out of a need to preserve food before refrigeration, but it turns out it also can make food really tasty.

Don't misunderstand me. I swear I have no agenda (stop laughing, you fuckers, I really don't.) I'm truly not trying to stick up for Lunchables or Cheez Wiz or McNuggets here. There are things genuinely wrong with all of these.

Is it just a semantic stand-in for "too much salt, too much fat, too many preservatives?" If so, okay, I can live with that, it's a valid complaint.

But... I don't think that's entirely it. So just what is "processed food?" And what is it about being processed that makes it so bad?

Not only is PZ Myers turning 50 today, he's also trying to fix his leaky faucet. It's turning out to be more difficult than you'd think...