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Pennysaver Amusement, Vol 5

As always, all ads reproduced faithfully, typos and all, except when truncated due to length and of course removing phone numbers and such.

(2) BUNNIES
$10 and $15.

Why on earth would there be this 33% difference in prices for a bunny? A bunny is pretty much a bunny. What possible disparity in bunny quality could cause one to be worth five dollars more than the other?

SWORD, METAL
35" longs, beautiful handle with 2 eagle heads, hangs on wall, $100

I'd been thinking of buying a sword, and frankly eagle heads are a plus, but I didn't want any crappy plastic, wood, or cheese sword. No, I demand one made of metal! Any metal will do, and yet I am only offered soft swords, soft like Democrats! ... but what is this? You say you have a deal for me?

CRYPT FOR SALE!
Forest Lawn Cemetary, Glendale, Great Mausoleum, Section of Sancuary of Song, Jasmine Terrace. Famous stars rest there! $50,000.

This seems like unreasonably jaunty sales copy given the nature of the product. There are a lot of weird questions about why someone might want this that I fully intend to leave unanswered, with one exception: Is a spot in a mausoleum that you think is worth 50 grand something you want to be advertising in the Pennysaver?

BLACK CASHMERE LLAMA
Dress coat from Barneys in New York, $50.

Yet another ad that fully fails to live up to the promise of the headline. I was hoping to buy a llama, you bastards.

ROUND DISHNET DISH
Antenna, $30.

A round one, you say? I wonder if that will work better than the square ones we all have been fooled into buying before!

COMMERCIAL BRIDGE LOANS!
$200,000 - $10,000,000. Direct Lenders. "Lowest rates/Best/terms" "Brokers fully Protected and respected". "Since 1985"

Since when do loan sharks advertise in the weekly circulars? Moreover, since when do loan sharks offer up to 10 million dollars? (Don't kid yourselves folks, loan sharking is *exactly* what commercial bridge loans are. It's just that that segment of the market has been taken over by the assholes you went to college with who were getting business degrees.)

GREEKS-IN ROUTE
On-Site & Remote Computer Repair. Free AVG Internet Security.... etc etc call 1-866-661-GEEK

Uh. You may want to check that headline there, guys. Or you're going to get a lot of strange phone calls and some seriously disappointed customers. I really don't want to know what happens when someone calls you to fix his packet delivery system.

TOILET TANK TOP LID ONLY
White. $20.

Dude. You have been trying to sell this thing since *at least* my third installment of Pennysaver Amusement, back in December 2009, and probably before. Let it go, man. Just let it go. The double sawbuck just ain't worth your dignity in renewing, and re-renewing, and re-re-renewing, and so on. Just chuck the thing in your garbage can. Nobody wants it. Nobody is EVER going to buy a toilet tank and then say to themselves "Damn, if only I had a LID!" It's just not going to happen. Let it go. Just... let it go.

Anyway. That's it for this installment. Tune in next time when I remember to check the mailbox for more silliness.

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Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
pinkfu
Apr. 30th, 2010 08:39 am (UTC)
The tank lid ad is really selling drugs.
dogofthefuture
Apr. 30th, 2010 08:53 am (UTC)
Holy shnikies, I never thought of that.
essentialsaltes
Apr. 30th, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC)
I figgered he had knocked over an armored truck and found 1000 toilet tank lids inside.
dogofthefuture
Apr. 30th, 2010 05:31 pm (UTC)
Worst. Robbery. Ever.
hilker
Apr. 30th, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC)
Maybe male and female bunnies are worth different amounts for some reason.
dogofthefuture
Apr. 30th, 2010 05:29 pm (UTC)
Heh, if this person had a male and female bunny, the advertisement would be for 20 bunnies at a dime a dozen.
rawdogue
May. 3rd, 2010 10:38 pm (UTC)
That's a good point. I'd pay extra for a bunny that was fixed.
piefessor
May. 1st, 2010 02:45 am (UTC)
I love these entries, by the way. This time, the jaunty crypt ad is my favorite!
dogofthefuture
May. 3rd, 2010 06:06 am (UTC)
Famous stars rest there! By which I mean "We stuck their corpse there." Don't you want your corpse to be near famous people? Well, don't you? Huh? HUH?
singofmyself
May. 2nd, 2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
I laugh every time you post these. Hilarious!!


I should pick up my local copy and we should compare/contrast and see if Red Neck Texans are any better.
dogofthefuture
May. 3rd, 2010 06:02 am (UTC)
I doubt it, and anyway it's not like these people are bad or stupid, they're just terribly bad at creating ads. I'm sure it's just the same all over the place. Which is good for you and me, who enjoy comedy.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )